farewell to words

quiet night

drinking by yourself is pretty depressing; that groggy feeling you get and your senses blur as you're dazed in a drunken stupor. you collapse face down and no one is there to help you up. i couldn't help but think, or try to think, and i thought i would be a pretty lonely kid for the rest of my life.

this led me to think i should not care about girls. just let it go and the longing won't bother me. for now at least.

jeff you were right. now shut up.

stop it

so you avoid me, but you try to hide it. quite honestly what an immature little bitch you are. i don't hate you, or have any feelings for you at all. you just act conceited. you think people would actually want to stalk you? you wish. i'd like to say this to you but we never talk anymore, and saying anything would give you the wrong idea because you're fucking clueless. no, i never wanted to get back at you. that was 6 months ago and i'd rather not think about it.

hindsight sucks

everytime i read myself i want to start over. the things that go on in my life that don't mean anything to me shouldn't be worthy of writing about no matter how odd they may be. i want to start over, and this time focus on what strikes me. try to share what little meaning i've scrounged from my life. 

and in hindsight i have a cynical theory about someone i used to be with, but i won't share that here because it doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

utter silence is fragile

signs, what's with those signs?
would they explain it to you?

i need a sign. i need hints that you and i might become us, but maybe it will never be. i can only dream until then.

and i need to come up with more creative titles.

edit: no, forget this post.

dreaming

today at the doctor's office i saw my friend's girlfriend and now she knows my weight, blood pressure, and heart rate, among other things. so awkward.

anyways i'm playing a song for an english project today. it's called "i'm so postmodern" but i adapted the lyrics to fit white noise. it's satire of a piece of satire, how redundant. 

...

i wish i could make you feel, feel like you're alive. but you only feel like you're only going through the motions of life and everything good has already happened. you only think about days of past, but i want you to think about a day that has yet to come. i don't know when, but maybe it will happen someday and you might appreciate being alive. don't leave...

forgetting the past

it's best to not think too hard about the past, it just gets in our way. whatever feelings we had just fade into memory and only haunt us in the present. what has happened never changes and is best forgiven and nothing will move forward if you're stuck in the past.

i live in the state of now.

Summer days

June 21^st, I could say this was when my life started. The first day was bittersweet. One person effortlessly crushed me and the refusal, cold. I tried to not let it bother me... we never had any connection anyways. I had an amazingly fun day with friends at Boomers after school was over. Just about every day after that I thought about what could have been.

The first week I spent trying to reconcile with the last month of school, but that was before I started living. We went out to places, talked a lot, ate together. Even though your parents didn't like me you were still on my side. Thank you so much for helping me, you know who you are. After the first week I went right back to summer school. Summer PE was actually fun, being with 3 of my best friends. We screwed around in class a lot and the coach didn't care. Summer health, however, was a BS class. I slept through it all and got an A. I had cross country along with PE and the summer sun burned my already badly tanned body.

Drivers ed was a complete waste of 24 hours of my life. I slept through it and got my permit, and recently got my license.

We worked out at the gym, but we stopped going because I had cross country. The gym was fun even though my arms and torso felt like mush afterwards. So instead we jammed for hours on end. That was when I started being more serious on guitar, playing my Rickenbacker 360 much more often. By the way, you win at shredding.

I had some stupid romantic notion in my head that I would be like the Great Gatsby, even though Gatsby failed. At least I wanted to look my best, get rid of my acne, have paler skin, tone my muscles, style my hair, but I failed at that. You probably thought I was scum and I probably deserved it. I was pretty fucked up too. I grew my hair out, spiked it, put on makeup, and went to Anime Expo 2007 as L from Death Note. Random fact: I was the only barefoot guy there. I counted how many times people asked for a picture, it was over 20 and I was there for about 5 hours total. I saw S.K.I.N. debut there and saw Gackt, Miyavi, Sugizo, and Yoshiki live and up close in a crowd of fangirls which I thought she would be in. Maybe I was just obsessed.

I didn't care about doing homework. It was the most stress-free summer I had, even though I got screwed over for not doing it when school started. And when it did, I still didn't care and thought summer had not ended.

Ten months later and I still think about this.

hell week

calculus test and spanish project tomorrow, econ notebook and spanish project and ap enviro debate due in 2 days, party on friday, leaving for nyc and dc on saturday morning. coming back friday next week. why can't life slow down to something i can handle?

Stop reading this

Hey you! Yeah, you. Stop reading this. This has nothing to do with you and not much to do with me either. If you're trying to psychoanalyze me this won't help much. You're better off trying to talk to me than trying to glean details about me.

In circles

Life has been such a blur for the past 9 months now. It's like summer never ended, and I'm still thinking I have all the free time in the world even though I'm fucking up in school, particularly calculus. That is one class in which I can't BS and get away with it. I might just drop if things don't get better.

It's like nothing has changed, and I'm still thinking of that loner girl.

Anyways, I'm 99% sure I'm going to UC Smash Bros UCSB. Hooray.