farewell to words

post-imagism

"no ideas but in things." - williams

objects are thought. try to focus on an object and extrapolate all meaning from it and you get thought. through the lens of the mind, the infinitely small becomes infinitely vast. 

there is no absolute, concrete definition of a single object.

summer

I wish I could have taken today back and spent it with you at the beach...

it's been a year now

it's been about about a year now. i don't know why i keep track of this. maybe i've still got feelings left, maybe a bruised ego. i've had my ups and downs but i still think of you. this entry was pathetic.

i kiss the girls who speak marcuse

what is life? the state of existing? if it is mere existence it is not worth living. if it is conscience it is simply a construct of the mind. i learned that we must find our own way in life but every path has already been travelled, every thought already thought.

i am sorry to say introspection is so useless.

unless you're in a screamo band. then you can scream about how tragic it was to break up with some girl you had a one night stand with and how you'll remember it.

i have no real experience with those matters, so far at least. i don't think i'd want to. that is the sad state of screamo: a bunch of guys screaming about girls who they're no longer with. it's cynical but true. take orchid for example, most of their songs involved breakups, and yet i have an orchid t-shirt from one of their last shows. and converge's "two day romance," case in point.

why does screamo appeal to me? i suppose it's the raw passion these guys put into it, however misguided they may be.

estrogen kid

lately i've been listening to a lot of old music. by old i mean music that i haven't listened to in a long time, not the actual age of the music. it's more important how old a piece is to me. some of it is embarassingly bad, but some bring back memories. so here's the good albums:

• give up (the postal service)
• vapor transmission (orgy)
• by the way (red hot chili peppers)
• songs for silent movies (something corporate) - "Konstantine" used to be the song of my life.
• the weak's end (emery)
• tell all your friends (taking back sunday)
• white pony (deftones)
• self-titled (sarina paris)
• hybrid theory (linkin park)
• swiss army romance (dashboard confessional)

after listening to all of this "old" music i feel a bit younger. i'm back to my 12-13 year old self i think, except now i can drive. i don't think i've changed much inside.

NEW music (a.k.a. relatively recent discoveries) i like:

•  all the footprints you've ever left and fear expecting ahead (envy) - "A Cage It Falls Into" is now the song of my life.
• insomniac doze (envy)
• compiled fragments (envy)
• il n'y a pas de orchestre (raein)
• the underdark (funeral diner)
• chaos is me (orchid)
• selected ambient works (aphex twin)
• wao!! (ore ska band)
• polysics or die!!!! (polysics)
• a retrospective (saetia)
• end on end (rites of spring)
• love/hate (art-school)
• the life pursuit (belle and sebastian)

there's a lot of screamo up there. so i want to explain how i came up with the screen name "estrogen kid." people liked calling me emo in middle school (this was only partly true). and emo is punk rock on estrogen. hence, estrogen kid. 

enough namedropping.

hello my loyal reader(s?),

you might have the wrong idea. no, you do have the wrong idea. anything i write here can not be mistaken as fact. it's only as real as you want to believe it.

quiet night

drinking by yourself is pretty depressing; that groggy feeling you get and your senses blur as you're dazed in a drunken stupor. you collapse face down and no one is there to help you up. i couldn't help but think, or try to think, and i thought i would be a pretty lonely kid for the rest of my life.

this led me to think i should not care about girls. just let it go and the longing won't bother me. for now at least.

jeff you were right. now shut up.

stop it

so you avoid me, but you try to hide it. quite honestly what an immature little bitch you are. i don't hate you, or have any feelings for you at all. you just act conceited. you think people would actually want to stalk you? you wish. i'd like to say this to you but we never talk anymore, and saying anything would give you the wrong idea because you're fucking clueless. no, i never wanted to get back at you. that was 6 months ago and i'd rather not think about it.

hindsight sucks

everytime i read myself i want to start over. the things that go on in my life that don't mean anything to me shouldn't be worthy of writing about no matter how odd they may be. i want to start over, and this time focus on what strikes me. try to share what little meaning i've scrounged from my life. 

and in hindsight i have a cynical theory about someone i used to be with, but i won't share that here because it doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

utter silence is fragile

signs, what's with those signs?
would they explain it to you?

i need a sign. i need hints that you and i might become us, but maybe it will never be. i can only dream until then.

and i need to come up with more creative titles.

edit: no, forget this post.